What is Grief?
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” -Vicki Harrison
Grief is a reaction to a loss. Reactions in the way we think, the way we feel, and the things we do. While it is often experienced as deeply painful, everyone’s experience is different. There is no set template for how grief should look, no right or wrong way to grieve. Commonly, people experience intense sadness, distress, anger and longing. At other times, people may feel very little at all. Some people describe a sense of numbness, shock, or feeling as though what has happened isn’t quite real, or as if it has happened to someone else. Commonly, bereaved parents also talk of grappling with more difficult feelings of blame, guilt, or shame, as they try to make sense of their loss.
It can also be really normal to feel happiness, joy and laughter alongside grief. Feeling these lighter feelings can provide some temporary respite from the heaviness and pain.
After the loss of a baby, regardless of the gestation or circumstances, grief is a normal response.
Grief has previously been talked about as occurring in stages, though this can give the misconception that somehow after experiencing each stage that grief is ‘over’. In reality, grief is not linear and doesn’t ever really end. For many people, grief can start as unpredictable and messy, though overtime it tends to change and adapt (or at least, the person carrying the grief experiences it differently).
Losing the intensity of the grief overtime doesn’t mean forgetting. It means you are learning how to live in a world that has been irreversibly changed.
A helpful way to think about grief after the loss of a pēpi/baby is like being in the ocean during a storm. To start, the crashing of the waves can feel relentless, leaving little time to catch your breath before the next big wave hits. You may feel overwhelmed, disoriented, and unsure how you will survive it.
Overtime, the storm doesn’t necessarily disappear, but the experience of it can change. The waves may come less frequently or intensely, or you may begin to recognise when waves are coming (e.g. certain dates, places, memories or reminders). You may even be learning ways to ride the waves when they come, so they don’t throw you around quite as hard as before. Some days, the water may feel calmer, or even comforting. Other days, you might find yourself almost searching for the waves again, missing the intensity of grief. All of this is normal.