Navigating Life After Losing Your Baby
Losing a pēpi/baby before yourself feels unnatural. It can feel overwhelming to know what to do or how to cope. Each person, couple, and family/whānau will process their loss differently. Initially, focusing on simply ‘surviving’ is typical, as is allowing space to feel the emotions that arise and making decisions related to your loss. For some, finding ways to honour their loss or develop rituals can be a meaningful part of navigating this, either at the time of the loss or later, when the intensity of grief begins to soften. There are a number of websites that offer guidance and suggestions for this, see: memory/ritual ideas after losing your baby.
Life before loss may feel like a distant memory, or even unreachable. Instead, the journey ahead becomes about learning how to navigate grief and build a meaningful life around it. The Dual Process Model of Grief (Stroebe & Schut, 1999) describes the benefits of moving back and forth between loss-focused coping (e.g., active grieving, feeling grief-related emotions, engaging in grief-related rituals or memory making), and restoration-focused coping (e.g., managing everyday life, relationships, responsibilities, and identity). Over time, your grief and memories of your baby can find a way to settle gently and peacefully alongside you as you re-engage with everyday activities.
The emotional and physical reactions after losing your baby may feel intense. Feelings of shock and disbelief may be all-consuming, though a lot of people also describe feeling numb. Anger, guilt, jealousy, disbelief, and denial are also very common – particularly when it seems the world is going on as normal whilst your own has stopped in its tracks.
It can be tempting to try and avoid the painful and uncomfortable feelings that grief brings. Doing this can lead to feelings seeming harder to manage or emerging in unexpected ways. Finding ways to make room and experience your grief can sometimes provide a sense of control. Tuning into your feelings can also help you identify what you need in a given moment. Do you need time out? Do you need someone to lean on or talk to? Are you feeling a little more resilient to try return to an activity or place you haven’t been to for a while?
While grief can’t be ‘fixed’, there are various supports, practices, or sources of connection that can help people navigate life alongside their loss. Different supports will resonate with different people at different stages of their grief.
Things that can help:
Self-compassion. Giving yourself kindness, patience and grace as you grieve and experience the full range of emotions that may arise.
Creating rituals and memory-making for your baby can provide comfort, connection and ways to honour and remember them.
Reconnecting with your body through things like gentle movement or exercise (when medically cleared), breathing and body mindfulness, and eating a well-balanced diet.
Self-care activities, hobbies, or relaxation techniques can help manage stress, support you through uncomfortable or painful emotions, and enhance overall wellbeing.
Attending to the physical and emotional needs you may experience with heavy grief is an important part of self-care. This can also help you connect-in with the other parts that make you, you.
Mindfulness skills can help ground you in the present, support you through intense or overwhelming emotions, and reduce stress.
Mindfulness practice is about gently bringing your attention to the present moment. This can be as simple as noticing your senses (sight, sounds, smell, touch, or taste), paying attention to what you are eating or drinking, or focusing on aspects of the task you are doing.
There are also free apps that can help you develop mindfulness, such as Smiling Mind.
Maintain or create routine. Even though you may not feel like doing these things, completing small tasks can sometimes help you feel a sense of achievement, structure, or control. To begin with, routines can involve very simple tasks, such as getting up at a certain time, making the bed, having a shower, and going for a walk.
Journalling can provide a space to offload thoughts, feelings, and reflections about what you have experienced, where you are currently at, and any thoughts or worries about the future.
Creativity – finding something hands-on that helps creates a sense of achievement, expression, or even moments of joy. This could be anything from crafting, painting, to gardening or building.
Some people may struggle to fully understand the depth of grief that can follow the loss of a pregnancy or baby. Though it can be difficult, being clear with others about your needs or your boundaries at different points of time can help guide others in how to support you in ways that feel helpful and safe.
Connection and community. Talking with trusted people can be helpful during grief. It can also be helpful to connect with, or hear stories from, others who have experienced similar losses. In New Zealand, SANDS offers a range of in-person and phone support options across Aotearoa. People can also find a lot of comfort from books, podcasts and other online groups/courses. These resources can provide comfort, understanding and connection. They may also offer education and guidance for navigating loss, grief, and life after loss. A few suggestions include:
Podcasts:
The Worst Girl Gang Ever | Podcast on Spotify The Worst Girl Gang Ever is a UK charity. They also offer online support through WhatsApp groups, online drop-ins, courses, and blogs.
Time To Talk TFMR | Podcast on Spotify A podcast specifically or those facing or considering facing, or who have experienced a termination for medical reasons (TFMR), such as a complex health diagnosis for baby and/or mother.
Books:
The Baby Loss Guide. Zoё Clark-Coates
Pregnancy After Loss. Zoё Clark-Coates
The Worst Girl Gang Ever: A Survival Guide for Navigating Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss. Bex Gunn & Laura Buckingham
Holding On & Letting Go: Facing an Unexpected Diagnosis in Pregnancy. Vicki Culling
Baby Gone. True New Zealand stories of infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. Jenny Douché
Other New Zealand-based websites that provide information and support following baby loss include:
Miscarriage Matters: Looking after yourself after pregnancy loss| Miscarriage Matters
Whetūrangitia: Information for bereaved family and whānau experiencing the death of a baby or child | Whetūrangitia(provides information and support for those experiencing miscarriage, stillbirth, fetal abnormality, newborn death, and infant and child death).
Signs someone may need additional support following their loss:
Grief is a normal response to loss, and it is common to continue experiencing periods of sadness, tears, anger, and yearning for the person or baby you have lost. Reaching out for additional support does not mean you are coping “wrong”. However, there are times when additional support may help someone navigate their grief, trauma, and emotional wellbeing. This includes:
Feeling “stuck” in grief, with high levels of distress that don’t appear to be easing over time.
Emotional pain and yearning continue to feel intense, overwhelming, unbearable, or paralysing.
Grief is significantly interfering with daily functioning over time, including ongoing impacts on personal life, relationships, work, and other activities.
Intrusive thoughts, memories, or flashbacks related to the loss or surrounding events.
Persistent low mood or anxiety that is interfering with daily functioning.
Avoiding reminders of difficult experiences associated with the loss, such as avoiding places, activities, people or thoughts associated with the loss.
Feeling constantly on edge, easily startled, or emotionally reactive.
Ongoing, often unexpected, feelings of panic.
Persistent negative self-talk, guilt, or self-blame.
Reduced interest in previously enjoyed activities, or ongoing difficulties with sleep, concentration, or motivation.
Support can come in many forms, including speaking with a trusted health professional, psychologist, GP, midwife, or support organisation.